Thursday, August 23, 2012

Why I 'left' Facebook....

To be honest, I never thought there was a necessity to be writing this post but it's unreal how many people have been asking me again and again on when I'm gonna reactivate my Facebook account and why I left etc etc, I'm hoping this post will answer all your doubtful thoughts :) First and foremost, no, I didn't 'leave Facebook because I had any sort of misunderstanding with anyone, especially with family members. I hope this entry will make it clear that I left because I feel the 'need' to do so.

Basically the urge on leaving FB has been with me for so long. I realised how addicted I was to it. It was like every single thing I had to 'document' on Facebook. Every time we go for an outing, I have to bring my phone along. I have never been a phone-person, which means having to have my phone everywhere I go was never a necessity. When FB and Khairaldin came along, I've always wanted to show him to the world kinda thing. I became proud, yes I realised it, Alhamdulillah and I'm so thankful I stopped when I had to. Although, I have been using excuses about having to update because I am so faraway from family and friends. Truthfully, I became big headed whenever I get likes or positive comments on my pictures or posts.

Again, Alhamdulillah, when I went back to Malaysia, I suddenly felt the necessity to delete my Facebook account. Life was just different with Facebook. Way too different. I didn't expect people would be who they became, Facebook people. Before Facebook existed, I used to go back to Malaysia every Summer and when I do, I would always ring my relatives straight after subuh because I'd be up coz of jetlag and also it'd be a surprise to them to know that I'm back. We would straight away plan for lunch or dinner the same day and just basically catch up. But not recently. Everyone knew I was going to Malaysia because I was counting down and everyone expected me to be there as and when I said I was going to be there. Visiting relatives took its time because we felt we know everything about each other through FB. It was as if everything on FB was sufficient enough that we didn't need to find time to just be there with each other.

I didn't expect to meet up with as many friends as I used to because everyone was busy with their own life, work, family etc etc. But in fact I did. I met way too many people. I met up with close friends and also friends that I used to just say 'hi and bye'. As much as I was honoured to be 'celebrated', I also felt as if I was just their "Facebook update". It seems as though I was only there for picture time and it then went straight to FB. Suffice to say, it felt awkward. We hardly make conversations but when the camera is out, we are all hugging and smiling from ear to ear. So yes, the urge of leaving Facebook was rather strong. One day I woke up and I thought, is this really the life I want to live?

I'm not gonna deny that I miss FB. Sometimes I do, as I'd have something to read about but how far will that go? Reading and getting updates about others life is fun but it's also a different case sometimes. We take FB status like as though the person is talking to us, but how are we so sure it's the truth? How can we be sure that updates were straight from their thoughts and we're no edited to make it sound nice? And also, we as the "updater", how are we sure that our updates were not used for further interpretation, even though we don't mean it the way others would interpret it? Sometimes even our innocent thoughts could be brought as a debate. Sometimes we might update something about ourself but people think it's about their life, and again it becomes a different story. How many updates you put on would get a personal message from others. Good for you if you do, at least you know people cared. Last but not least,  try and observe this, when you do go on an outing, how many times does the word FB being uttered? Well, basically I've had enough of that life. :) I want people to personally ask me how I was doing not because I've given a big hint on my FB status. And also, I wanna be more in people's life than on their Facebook Page. :) Alhamdulillah, I'm living the life now. Outing without the camera/phone seem to be a breeze.

Now I've come to realise that out of my hundreds of family and friends on FB, I  can now be sure that only a few people really care about my family and I. Those who cared would take the extra length on finding out ways to still keep in touch. To those of you, thank you! We doubted life after FB but hey look at us now,we seem to know more about each other than we had ever before. From the bottom of my heart, you know who you are, thank you for being part of my life and for understanding my need to just stay off FB. ;)

Btw, I'm not gonna deny that I still check FB (through Iskandar's profile) but the only difference is, his FB Page is much beneficial than mine. He's only got approx 40 odd friends, and I'm sure those are true friends and I check only because of Mufti Menk's wise words and today he said : "Nowadays more homes are unhappy due to spouses or family members trying to keep online friends happy at the expense of those around them." This is so true SubhanAllah! Before I get deleted from my husband/children's life, I took the big step of deleting my Fakebook. :) The book that is worth making an impression of is the book the angels are writing about me, definitely not the book my family/friends are writing on- Facebook.

In the end of the day, everyone has their own story about Facebook but this is mine and I'm staying away for as long as I can. Sorry but I'm not reactivating my personal page, inshaAllah.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Ramadhan reflection! SubhaAllah Alhamdulillah!

Masha'Allah! It's the 28th of Ramadhan today. It's true when they say time will passby so quickly when you're enjoying yourself. Ramadhan has always been the 'hi and bye' month for me. We plan to do so much and the next thing we know it's already leaving us behind. O Allah, I really miss the month of Ramadhan, I pray that I will see many more Ramadhan so that I can continue to better myself. I can't deny that I need Ramadhan to help me better myself. Alhamdulillah shukur I have seen a few changes in my everyday life. I'm so thankful that Allah taala is listening to my prayers, just what I desperately need.

Yesterday, on the 27th night of Ramadhan whilst I was performing my night prayers, I felt really down. I didn't want the time to tick any longer. I just wanted to be in the prostration position to 'talk' to my creator. Someone who would continuously listen to me even though I have wronged Him one too many times. I felt at that time He was listening to my every need, SubhanAllah! Then again in the end of the day, I have to accept that this day will come to an end, this month will not wait for me even though I'm not ready to leave! At that point I had to comfort myself by reminding me that it is not my Lord that is leaving me! It is ME who would selfishly and conveniently *forget* about him after Ramadhan. It's embarrassing how I would go all out during Ramadhan and when it's not here anymore, I long for another one so that I could do the same.

This Ramadhan has really taught me a lot. From being a servant to Allah, wife, mother, daughter and sister. It has taught me the balance in life. It has reminded me that I can achieve what I want if I put my heart and soul into it. For instance, hubby and I managed to finish the Quran on the day of Nuzul Quran. We were well ahead in our Quranic reading. This only prove that kids aren't barriers to my Worshipping time. If i really wanted to read the Quran before/after Ramadhan, I now know that I have to be stern with myself. I can't keep blaming my kids or time for not being on my side because Masha'Allah, they have been such a great sport! They not only let us carry on with our Quran reading time but they have also showed the need to grab the Quran for us after every prayers. It's made them understand the importance of the Quran and the value of it, Alhamdulillah!

Yes,great things doesn't come easily! I have had my fair share of struggles as well. My struggles made me realise how much my parents, especially my Mom has struggled for me and the family too. I am truly amazed at how Mom managed to juggle between family and time for Allah. You see, I was breastfed for a good 4-5 years, yes, that long! When Ramadhan came, I had such struggle juggling between Layina and my night prayers. Since Ramadhan came during Summer time, my body clock just went haywire! We started off with Imsak at 3+am and Iftar at 9:40pm. By the time we finished terawikh, it was already 11:45pm since Isya' was close to 11pm. By the time we got to bed it was 12am and I'm not the shut your eyes it's time to sleep kinda person! Haha I let my mind and creativity wander for a bit and by the time I sleep, it's late as I will be awake by 2am for Layina's night feed!! I could "easily" wake up and prayed my night prayers but believe you me, it was tiring and draining!

My parents however, were always awake by 2am and continued their prayers, zikr etc till the morning.  Sometimes they don't even go back to sleep until after terawikh!!! Subhan'Allah such determination. I salute them because I am not able to do it just yet.You might argue that Mom don't need to get up for breastfeeding anymore, haha but still, she was the one who cooked and tidied after us during their whole duration with us! I didn't lift a finger because i was so tired and I'm so thankful for such understanding parents. Alhamdulillah.

As Ramadhan went on and time were rather making sense to me, I braved myself and got up for tahajud, hajat etc. I noticed what made me feel so drained about having to wake up for night prayers was because of the amount of prayers I have set myself to do. Like I said, I was going all out. The reason I found it so draining was because I have never done it before and suddenly I am putting my body in such an awkward position. I should have 'trained' myself before Ramadhan but I'm still thankful I managed to know and train myself for after Ramadhan routine. As I was struggling and battling myself with Worshipping Allah, I came across a Hadith which states "the best of deeds are those carried out regularly even if they are little deeds". This Hadith was a wake up call for me to not set my goal at a ridiculous pace but to start somewhere and eventually strive to do better. It's amazing how Allah taala would not want us to struggle doing deeds by even accepting the little ones! Masha'Allah!

So, with this last few days left, it is not too late to do some good deeds. If you're a breastfeeding Mommy like me, take blessing from having to wake up at night to feed your kids. If you can, go the extra feet to get up and just pray tahajud since you're already up. But if you can't,  don't beat yourself over it because to sacrifice your sleep just to fulfill your kids' need is a deed on its own. Whenever you are awaken from sleep because your baby needs to be tendered to, just put in your mind that this is an Amanah and a blessing from Allah taala for you to care for this little cute baby! That in itself is a reward beyond our imagination! Every drop of milk being fed to a hungry baby would expel our sins Masha'Allah. Do it for the sake of Allah and Insha'Allah you will understand the reward given to you.

Last but not least, do make du'a for my family and I. May Allah reward all of you in this life and the hereeafter and may He accept all your deeds during this Ramadhan and so forth. Amin yaRabbal alamin!!


Monday, August 06, 2012

If only its Ramadhan through and through :(

Alhamdulillah shukur!!!! It's nuzul Quran tomorrow and I'm really glad that we have just 2 juzu' to khatam. Never have it come across my mind to khatam before the last 10 days. Usually til the very last day we are still struggling to finish up. Alhamdulillah my parents were around and we managed to finish 2 juzu' everyday. Before they left for Malaysia we had 5 juzu' to finish off and Alhamdulillah we are still on par! Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah !!!!

May this Ramadhan be a start of a changes new Iva, Ameen ya rabbalalamin! Also my prayers that you are all having a beneficial and peaceful Ramadhan. May Allah swt continue to guide us to the right path and help us with our deen! InshaAllah, we will continue to strive for his blessings! Ameen!

Ps: I miss Ramadhan already, truly really do!