Monday, April 12, 2010

Just a (one too many) thought. Hmmm..

Have you ever felt so lost in life, like you don't know what and where your life is heading to? I'm feeling exactly just that! :| Sometimes, I feel like being a SAHM is the bestest thing in life but at times, I just want more and more!! Notice how I've changed my dream "careers" one too many times? From a teacher, to LC to Midwifery... That's because I just don't know what to do.

Don't get me wrong, I loveeee spending time with my Husband and baby all day & night long! I would wake up a few minutes early just to see them sleep. It's just serene! But at times I just wanna go out and be with my friends. Which is highly impossible coz all of them are in Malaysia. In the UK, there is no such thing as friendship. You are either a colleague, uni mate/classmate. They don't really see the 'bond' in friendships. Even though I've been in the UK for 8 years now, I still don't see myself as having a true friend. Then again, that's maybe because I don't really mix around.

I'm also not looking for a job that pays big fat cheque at the end of the month. I just want something rewarding to do. I don't even mind becoming a volunteer for certain organisations. Money definitely won't push me to get a job. Big money means less family time. That's how I look at it. I guess all I want is to do something different for a change. A 9-5 job is definitely not an option to make things different/better. I'm sure this is just a phase because Khairaldin is more independent (eating on his own & slowly walking) now. Once he starts to speak and learn to read, I supposed I would feel more needed as a Mom.

I'm looking forward to the day when I have to read him goodnight stories (I have a whole stash of books just waiting on the shelf). I'm looking forward to the day I can teach him Alif, Baa Taa.. ABCs and 123. I'm looking forward to being there when he needs help with his homework. I'm looking forward to walk/drive him to school. ....... Now I realise how much I want to be a Mom more than anything else in this world. I want to spend as much time as I can with my child before he grows up and say, "Mommy, I'm leaving soon". At least when that time comes, Insha'Allah I'll be ready to say "See you soon" even though I know deep inside 'soon' will be ages to come. He's a boy, I have come to realise that boys are different to girls in so many ways when it comes to emotional feelings.

And when that 'farewell' comes, I will put a smile on my face because I know I have been there for him throughout his childhood. :)

So, a Mom & Wife, I will be for as long as I am given the opportunity to do so.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

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